THE JOURNEY OUT OF ‘VICTIM’ CONSCIOUSNESS
….TO SIMPLY ‘BE-ING!’
Last year I created for myself a period (that seemed endless back then) when I was immobile – where I was unable to walk other than ‘do’ what I had to for myself – here where I live. And it was a monumental learning on many levels. On top of that – due to the pain involved with my ankle and also loosing a nail, I was diagnosed with Nerve Pain Syndrome and because of this had very little sleep for 4 months.
Firstly I am so appreciative for all of the help and assistance from so many people – my son, my neighbours, my friends and also the staff at major stores (including the manager at one) who took my list and did my food shopping for me. And this was for months until I was able to circumnavigate the aisles myself which I’m doing now and what a feeling of freedom. And joy!
For 3 months I was unable to drive as my car had gears and eventually I had to say good-bye to it and invest in a bright red automatic instead. And thanks again go to friend, who made the switch over effortless.
I know I created these few months as a soul searching period where all I could do was simply ‘be!’ Because that’s all I could ‘do’. One might even call it a ‘dark night of the soul’ event, where just about everything came up on an emotional level. I endeavoured to stay out of blaming (which is a trigger for becoming and feeling a victim) and I feel, because I was aware of why I created this situation in the first place, this helped keep me out of that state for most of the time.
There were occasions though, when I did feel so low and helpless – times when I sank into ‘self pity’ – all symptoms of depression.
Now I’m through this, it might seem absolutely insane that I feel appreciation to have gone through a stage which made me (forced me actually) to take time out and review my life. In hindsight, I now realise that part of the learning was to totally detach from (not be dependant on) any means that I had used before, to make myself ‘feel better/good’ such as walking, getting in the river – things I love to ‘do!’ I even set up a situation for the first three months, where I was unable to talk on a phone for any length of time. Also sitting at the computer was painful and not on my ‘to do’ list. So solitude was created to face where I was, so that ‘I am’ now – able to move on.
Apart from that ah ha, there was also a huge realisation in regard to support – being totally dependant on others for such things as shopping. I eventually found that changing my focus from feeling sorry for myself and being appreciative for all the help that I was being offered, helped me stay out of the ‘hole’ most of the time. A mammoth step in acceptance, letting go and appreciation. Plus asking for help when I required it. Whoops I forgot patience!
Now I’m focusing on the fact that I’m blessed to have learnt so much from last year, and I celebrate all the little things that continue to happen that make me smile, like my neighbours bringing in my rubbish bins – even though I can now do this myself!
I rejoice that as with the Leukemia, I have been able to turn around the Nerve Pain Syndrome without drugs and I’m very appreciative of having a wonderful General Practitioner who is open to me ‘wholing’ myself. And who I might add, keeps reminding me I ‘am’ and can do this. Appreciation also goes to my wonderful physiotherapist who has helped me on a physical level to re-claim my body because part of the process was learning to walk again – properly! So I am learning to walk forward easily on all levels.